Puma
Day 12 of his captivity ...
posted by dc @ 4:56 PM
Friday, April 28, 2006
Coupins
A few weeks ago, I was a victim of poor service at the local Starbucks. They were understaffed which caused longer than usual lines and when I got the cashier, she had the nerve to tell me that they didn't have any brewed coffee and it was going to be a few minutes to brew another pot. I was amazed that they didn't ANY brewed coffee at all ... decaf or regular. You would think that they would have something as simple as coffee available all the time ... especially in the coffee drinking culture we live in today.
So I wrote to Starbucks with a complaint and a few days later, I received two coupons for a free drink of my choice. Unsatisfied to satisfied in one email. So then I wrote, Applebees, Marlboro, Noodles, and Wendy's. I just got a coupon in the mail from Noodles for a free dish and I'm expecting a coupon for a free pack of squares from Marlboro.
Earning my ghetto hustle character!!!
So I wrote to Starbucks with a complaint and a few days later, I received two coupons for a free drink of my choice. Unsatisfied to satisfied in one email. So then I wrote, Applebees, Marlboro, Noodles, and Wendy's. I just got a coupon in the mail from Noodles for a free dish and I'm expecting a coupon for a free pack of squares from Marlboro. Earning my ghetto hustle character!!!
posted by dc @ 4:20 PM
Monday, April 24, 2006
How To ...
Courtesy of Erin and Geoff!!!
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters or call local breeder to see if they have any DOGS !! .
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1. Put it in a wiener.
2. Toss it in the air.
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters or call local breeder to see if they have any DOGS !! .
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1. Put it in a wiener.
2. Toss it in the air.
posted by dc @ 4:30 PM
Are You In Good Hands??
By now, I'm sure most of you have seen the Allstate commercials staring Dennis Haysbert (aka President "No BS" Palmer). At the end of each commercial Dennis says, "That's Allstate's Stand!" For the longest time, I thought he was saying, "That's Allstate, Stan!" Who the F@&% is Stan and why is Allstate putting his name in commercials? Reseaching the phenomenon, I found a blog entry on "Shot In The Dark," which was fairly amuzing ...
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On that note .. I am in good hands ... with Progressive!!!
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Things I've Always Wondered About
In that series of Allstate Insurance commercials currently on the TV, why does the actor (the name eludes me; he's like Morgan Freeman Lite, whoever he is) end every spot by saying:
That's Allstate, Stan."Who is Stan?
And why is Allstate talking to him?
I wonder if someone named Stan ran into Allstate CEO Ed Liddy's car or something.
Posted by Mitch on January 11, 2006******************************
On that note .. I am in good hands ... with Progressive!!!
posted by dc @ 4:15 PM
Excerpts From Daily Diary
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p. m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He's obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I'm certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p. m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He's obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I'm certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...
posted by dc @ 9:56 AM
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Pause, No Claws
Back from blog vacation ... and yet, for the most part, everything is pretty much the same. Tired of work as usual, 3 weeks left in the semester and each day till the end feels like an eternity ... but the Mets look strong and I look forward to seeing them in the playoffs.
New addition to the household ... a 1 year old kitten ... Puma (pictures to follow).
Financially ... broke as usual.
Romatically ... not involved ... as usual.
Physically ... FAT!
Mentally ... I'm not sure ... what does that tell you!
On that note ... I've reached my one year blog anniversary ... Happy Bday blog ... with many more years to come ... maybe!!!
New addition to the household ... a 1 year old kitten ... Puma (pictures to follow).
Financially ... broke as usual.
Romatically ... not involved ... as usual.
Physically ... FAT!
Mentally ... I'm not sure ... what does that tell you!
On that note ... I've reached my one year blog anniversary ... Happy Bday blog ... with many more years to come ... maybe!!!
posted by dc @ 1:55 PM
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
The Fresh
Spend a few minutes watching the brand new video by The Fresh ... re: Myspace ... "so much better than Friendster ... but you never look like your picture."
posted by dc @ 3:39 PM
Monday, April 03, 2006
Mind Reader
I received an extra credit assignment from one of my professors the week before spring break. The assignment was to determine how the MIND READER works. The hint ... use number theory!
posted by dc @ 10:16 AM
