Don't Hate .. Medicate
Filtering through some of my old emails, I came across this forward from JDJ back in 02. "Memories .. like the corners of my mind ..." Crack house revisited ...
Xanax Audition
----------------------------------------------------------
Jay, formerly known as Dick Delicious, shines for his big break.
I’ve done more than my share of illicit narcotics. Indeed, I’ve done enough booger sugar to make Robert Downey Jr blush. On the other hand, I’m just not as down with it as I used to be; having found no obvious benefit to sitting around pounding beers just to chase away that feeling of your heart exploding while having meaningful conversation (also known as “diarrhea of the mouth”) until 10AM. I was awake most of that year when the whole Shards/Glass/Speed movement hit ATL back in ’95. You trick yourself into thinking you are being “productive”, but are only totally undoing everything you just did in the last few days during a good four-day “No-Sleep-A-Thon”. Well, at least my CD collection had never been so organized. My spine-bending honeymoon phase with X put me into enough rollin’ rave sluts that, for a fleeting second, I thought I could almost stomach electronic music.
Of course, it was only the drugs and sixteen year-old hoes talking. Acid? You just can’t do it everyday. In order to get off, you have to keep doubling your doses. You’d have to turn every rainforest on the planet into a parking lot, just to produce enough blotter paper to print your doses on. Heroin? Shit, I ain’t that cool. Weed? Of course -- I love that shit. My watch is perpetually set to 4:20. Even then, some days will go by when I’m so busy watching re-runs of Half Baked on TV that I will actually “forget” to smoke pot – perhaps the ultimate sign that you are a stoner. Heavy usage of these drugs have been nothing more than phases in my life, except for one -- the mighty, the incomparable, the panacea for everything that ails you: Xanax. That’s right… Xanax. Even after spending years experimenting with all of these “Schedule One Street Narcotics”, it’s a legal one that has put hooks of addiction into me. Indeed, I have not gone one single day in the last three and a half years without a “football” or a “submarine”. I could never see any benefits to NOT being addicted to them: They keep you mellow; you can sleep like a baby; and then wake up in a good mood. What’s wrong with that? In my pre-Xanax days, the walls of my apartment looked like Swiss cheese because I’d punched so many holes in them when I got pissed. Now, thanks to Xanax, I’m cool as a cucumber.
As an added bonus, there’s no more nights tossing and turning in bed while waiting for the sandman to come; Xanax takes all of the guesswork out. Once they hit, you could sleep through a level five earthquake. However, there are some problems inherent with non-prescribed Xanax indulgence. For one thing - the fucking prices! The people that are selling them are doing it at a 300% - 400% profit, because they know you are a fuckin’ crackhead, and you will pay!
In my Pre-Hollywood-Xanax-Audition days, as low level bit-part player, this is how my lines usually went:
ME: “Four bucks a blue? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?”
DEALER: “Yeah, four bucks a blue, take it or leave it.”
ME: “Come on man, give a nigga a break on a 40 snack!”
DEALER: “I know some strippers that will give me $5 if you don’t want ‘em…”
ME: “OK, here you go. You fucking bloodsucker…” (Jay gives dealer 40$ for 10 blues)
Not to mention the fact they are illegal unless you HAVE them prescribed to you. Even with the average lifespan of an American male pushing the threshold of 80 years, my current fucked up legal situation makes it is very likely that I will die a natural death while still under the supervision of Georgia Probation. Possession of un-prescribed Xanax would be a heinous violation of said terms. I can’t think of the countless risks I’ve taken: Riding across state lines in a seedy looking van with a pocket full; passing through customs with my stash hiding rolled up in bottom of a bottle of deodorant; getting my car torn apart after being profiled by the stinkin’ ass pork in rural counties; and trying to remain calm at airport security while carefully concealing my “precious” pills like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Ok, wait – now hold the show! These things are legal, right? There has the be another way… all I need to do is find the right doctor, say the right things, and badda-boom-badda-bing – I’m in there like swimwear. No? A few weeks ago, Dr. “I Will Not Write His Name Here Because I Do Not Want Him To Get Busted” was brought to my attention by a friend of mine. He tells me, ”Dude, all’s you need to do is go down to see this guy, give him 50 bucks, tell him you’ve been on Xanax, tell him you felt like Xanax were helping you not freak out, and you’ll be good to go!” After that, he said the doctor would launch into an obligatory ten-minute speech about how bad, evil, and addictive Xaxax are. Then, he would send you off with your script. So anyway, obviously this is Dr. Feelgood. I’ve got my hookup, but I couldn’t go in there half steppin’! After all, this would be the role of a lifetime. It was going to be crucial that my performance of a person in the throes of neurosis/anxiety would be discussed for years to come on Inside The Actor’s Studio. So, what was my motivation for the scene? I’ll tell you the motivation:
MY AMBITIONS ARE A WORRY-FREE POST-XANAX-PRESCRIPTION PLAYLISTIC BALLIN' LIFESYTLE
Once I’m prescribed, I will get 90 blue Xanax per month at a cost of 27$, plus the $50 for Dr. I.W.N.W.H.N.H.B.I.D.N.W.H.T.G.B. That’s 2.90322 pills per day. In a month with 31 days, it will give me roughly one day during the month that I would only have two pills left…that will give me the few hours I need to make it back to the doctor’s office and get my refill -- PRAISE ALLAH!
Good Lord, now I can see the grandeur of what a typical day in my life would be like:
12:53 - Wake up.
1:05 - Eat a Xanax.
1:20 - Jerk off.
1:25 - Eat.
1:35 - Fall back asleep.
4:05 - Wake up.
4:15 - Eat a Xanax.
4:20 - Smoke pot.
4:41 - Jerk off. 4:57 - Eat.
4:57 - Fall back asleep.
7:51 - Wake up.
8:01 - Eat a Xanax.
8:20 - Jerk off.
8:37 - Eat
9:07 - Fall back asleep until next day.
REPEAT
Just like Tupac, picture me rollin’ - Just Me And My Xanax. I’ll be sitting in a bar with a Budweiser in one hand, the pill bottle in the other, alternating sips off both. Fuck airport security! I’ll be popping down blues in the metal detector while being searched, getting on a plane, and falling straight into the “Delta Drool”. I will amaze the flight attendants by the fact that “they had never seen anyone fall asleep with their neck at a 90 degree angle like that”. I will lick the window while unconscious and contract SARS. Then when asked how I accomplished such an amazing feat -– I will defiantly shake the pill bottle in their faces! Guys, you’ve got to admit -- it doesn’t get any better than this!
One final word of wisdom for the debunkers, those who say that Xanax does nothing more than turn people into living pill-gobbling zombies: there is no reason to regulate such a wonderful drug. It has improved my life infinitely, and the benefits far outweigh any negative side effects.
DON'T HATE - MEDICATE
Lovin' footballs - but no fan of sports
Xanax Audition
----------------------------------------------------------
Jay, formerly known as Dick Delicious, shines for his big break.
I’ve done more than my share of illicit narcotics. Indeed, I’ve done enough booger sugar to make Robert Downey Jr blush. On the other hand, I’m just not as down with it as I used to be; having found no obvious benefit to sitting around pounding beers just to chase away that feeling of your heart exploding while having meaningful conversation (also known as “diarrhea of the mouth”) until 10AM. I was awake most of that year when the whole Shards/Glass/Speed movement hit ATL back in ’95. You trick yourself into thinking you are being “productive”, but are only totally undoing everything you just did in the last few days during a good four-day “No-Sleep-A-Thon”. Well, at least my CD collection had never been so organized. My spine-bending honeymoon phase with X put me into enough rollin’ rave sluts that, for a fleeting second, I thought I could almost stomach electronic music.
Of course, it was only the drugs and sixteen year-old hoes talking. Acid? You just can’t do it everyday. In order to get off, you have to keep doubling your doses. You’d have to turn every rainforest on the planet into a parking lot, just to produce enough blotter paper to print your doses on. Heroin? Shit, I ain’t that cool. Weed? Of course -- I love that shit. My watch is perpetually set to 4:20. Even then, some days will go by when I’m so busy watching re-runs of Half Baked on TV that I will actually “forget” to smoke pot – perhaps the ultimate sign that you are a stoner. Heavy usage of these drugs have been nothing more than phases in my life, except for one -- the mighty, the incomparable, the panacea for everything that ails you: Xanax. That’s right… Xanax. Even after spending years experimenting with all of these “Schedule One Street Narcotics”, it’s a legal one that has put hooks of addiction into me. Indeed, I have not gone one single day in the last three and a half years without a “football” or a “submarine”. I could never see any benefits to NOT being addicted to them: They keep you mellow; you can sleep like a baby; and then wake up in a good mood. What’s wrong with that? In my pre-Xanax days, the walls of my apartment looked like Swiss cheese because I’d punched so many holes in them when I got pissed. Now, thanks to Xanax, I’m cool as a cucumber.
As an added bonus, there’s no more nights tossing and turning in bed while waiting for the sandman to come; Xanax takes all of the guesswork out. Once they hit, you could sleep through a level five earthquake. However, there are some problems inherent with non-prescribed Xanax indulgence. For one thing - the fucking prices! The people that are selling them are doing it at a 300% - 400% profit, because they know you are a fuckin’ crackhead, and you will pay!
In my Pre-Hollywood-Xanax-Audition days, as low level bit-part player, this is how my lines usually went:
ME: “Four bucks a blue? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?”
DEALER: “Yeah, four bucks a blue, take it or leave it.”
ME: “Come on man, give a nigga a break on a 40 snack!”
DEALER: “I know some strippers that will give me $5 if you don’t want ‘em…”
ME: “OK, here you go. You fucking bloodsucker…” (Jay gives dealer 40$ for 10 blues)
Not to mention the fact they are illegal unless you HAVE them prescribed to you. Even with the average lifespan of an American male pushing the threshold of 80 years, my current fucked up legal situation makes it is very likely that I will die a natural death while still under the supervision of Georgia Probation. Possession of un-prescribed Xanax would be a heinous violation of said terms. I can’t think of the countless risks I’ve taken: Riding across state lines in a seedy looking van with a pocket full; passing through customs with my stash hiding rolled up in bottom of a bottle of deodorant; getting my car torn apart after being profiled by the stinkin’ ass pork in rural counties; and trying to remain calm at airport security while carefully concealing my “precious” pills like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Ok, wait – now hold the show! These things are legal, right? There has the be another way… all I need to do is find the right doctor, say the right things, and badda-boom-badda-bing – I’m in there like swimwear. No? A few weeks ago, Dr. “I Will Not Write His Name Here Because I Do Not Want Him To Get Busted” was brought to my attention by a friend of mine. He tells me, ”Dude, all’s you need to do is go down to see this guy, give him 50 bucks, tell him you’ve been on Xanax, tell him you felt like Xanax were helping you not freak out, and you’ll be good to go!” After that, he said the doctor would launch into an obligatory ten-minute speech about how bad, evil, and addictive Xaxax are. Then, he would send you off with your script. So anyway, obviously this is Dr. Feelgood. I’ve got my hookup, but I couldn’t go in there half steppin’! After all, this would be the role of a lifetime. It was going to be crucial that my performance of a person in the throes of neurosis/anxiety would be discussed for years to come on Inside The Actor’s Studio. So, what was my motivation for the scene? I’ll tell you the motivation:
MY AMBITIONS ARE A WORRY-FREE POST-XANAX-PRESCRIPTION PLAYLISTIC BALLIN' LIFESYTLE
Once I’m prescribed, I will get 90 blue Xanax per month at a cost of 27$, plus the $50 for Dr. I.W.N.W.H.N.H.B.I.D.N.W.H.T.G.B. That’s 2.90322 pills per day. In a month with 31 days, it will give me roughly one day during the month that I would only have two pills left…that will give me the few hours I need to make it back to the doctor’s office and get my refill -- PRAISE ALLAH!
Good Lord, now I can see the grandeur of what a typical day in my life would be like:
12:53 - Wake up.
1:05 - Eat a Xanax.
1:20 - Jerk off.
1:25 - Eat.
1:35 - Fall back asleep.
4:05 - Wake up.
4:15 - Eat a Xanax.
4:20 - Smoke pot.
4:41 - Jerk off. 4:57 - Eat.
4:57 - Fall back asleep.
7:51 - Wake up.
8:01 - Eat a Xanax.
8:20 - Jerk off.
8:37 - Eat
9:07 - Fall back asleep until next day.
REPEAT
Just like Tupac, picture me rollin’ - Just Me And My Xanax. I’ll be sitting in a bar with a Budweiser in one hand, the pill bottle in the other, alternating sips off both. Fuck airport security! I’ll be popping down blues in the metal detector while being searched, getting on a plane, and falling straight into the “Delta Drool”. I will amaze the flight attendants by the fact that “they had never seen anyone fall asleep with their neck at a 90 degree angle like that”. I will lick the window while unconscious and contract SARS. Then when asked how I accomplished such an amazing feat -– I will defiantly shake the pill bottle in their faces! Guys, you’ve got to admit -- it doesn’t get any better than this!
One final word of wisdom for the debunkers, those who say that Xanax does nothing more than turn people into living pill-gobbling zombies: there is no reason to regulate such a wonderful drug. It has improved my life infinitely, and the benefits far outweigh any negative side effects.
DON'T HATE - MEDICATE
Lovin' footballs - but no fan of sports
posted by dc @ 1:09 AM
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