Personal Favorites

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  

• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  

• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  

• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

• Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.